hello there . so , yes tomorrow is labour day and its a public day and i dont have any school so i just thought , why not update my blog when i have the time ? :-)
so yes , i have just had this thought pondering in my head for a pretty pretty long time and the thing is , i couldn't really tell anyone because im afraid if i do say face to face , they wouldn't , understand .
So , am i the only one who from time to time , wished i had .. cancer ? Yes , i know , seems absurd . But i don't know , maybe if i had cancer .. people would actually CARE about my existence and they would actually start noticing me , not in a bad way tho . Like the thing is , you get to know when you're dying , and right now , maybe just right now , i think that is really wonderful espeicially at the point of life when you just don't want to live anymore , ya feel me ? All the pain , all the sorrows , just lost instantly like that . I know , this probably sounds sadistic . But the thing about cancer that just sounded so appealing was the fact that , you actually become so skinny , and really thats all i ever wanted , i dont give a fuck if my bones are showing and protruding , so long as im not fat , so long as im near perfection . sorry . my self esteem desires can get really ..
Yupp , and i want people speaking at my funeral to prepare a funny eulogy so that when im up in heaven . id just go like ' those bastards ' hahahhaha
I HOPE YOU DONT THINK IM SADISTIC OR ANYTHING
x , jyoti . ☺
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
emotional mess .
hey :-)
so i guess , its been a while since i blogged . Been feeling rather shitty these days , mainly about MYSELF . Idky but haiz , why now , why this period of time when im facing and going through so much shit . I can't help but feel ugly 24/7 , oops typo , i AM ugly . & i seriously seriously dont like it when people compliment me , because i feel that they're lying , they only say it because they pity me , y'know ?
My self esteem (( which i dont even have )) just drops like wayyyy below (( making it a negative number )) when i see really gorgeous girls with the perfect body . Haiz . Sometimes i wonder , would my life be better if i actually could look good AND feel good ? I bet it would DEFINITELY be better . I hate myself so bad to the extent that i actually avoid mirrors because i know when i see myself looking horrible , my whole mood would go down . I guess thats about it . k hahahah this will be my last time ranting about myself , really , even i dont like it myself .
x , jyoti .
so i guess , its been a while since i blogged . Been feeling rather shitty these days , mainly about MYSELF . Idky but haiz , why now , why this period of time when im facing and going through so much shit . I can't help but feel ugly 24/7 , oops typo , i AM ugly . & i seriously seriously dont like it when people compliment me , because i feel that they're lying , they only say it because they pity me , y'know ?
My self esteem (( which i dont even have )) just drops like wayyyy below (( making it a negative number )) when i see really gorgeous girls with the perfect body . Haiz . Sometimes i wonder , would my life be better if i actually could look good AND feel good ? I bet it would DEFINITELY be better . I hate myself so bad to the extent that i actually avoid mirrors because i know when i see myself looking horrible , my whole mood would go down . I guess thats about it . k hahahah this will be my last time ranting about myself , really , even i dont like it myself .
x , jyoti .
Friday, 12 April 2013
screwed .
hi guys , so yay its saturday and im feeling very numb . I've been feeling rather shitty for the past few days , just cant help but let out all my emotions at night when everyone else is sound asleep . So anyways , yesterday was the very first Arts Fiesta rehearsals , ok actually second la , bc i never go for the first rehearsal . SOOOO , it was so fun , really really really cant wait for arts fiesta , but things are starting to look bad . Yesterday after coming back from Sharin's house , I went to the toilet to get my comb before sleeping but i was so lazy to turn the lights on so i didnt notice the god damn soap that was on the floor , so i slipped and hit the toilet bowl , lucky it didnt break any bones omg . And then i was so traumatised and in pain i just lay on the floor waiting for the Grim Reaper to come and take my soul bc i genuinely thought i was going to die , then i shouted for my mama and then she screamed and i was like so puzzled , like wtf is she shouting , so i stood up and i looked at my face , hoLY FUCK HALF MY FACE WAS LIKE FUCKING SWOLLEN LIKE FUCKING FUCKING SWOLLEN OMG /
So she was like freaking out and so was i because i thought that if my swelling doesnt recede i cant perform for Arts Fiesta la fuck . So i cry bc sad .
Hahaha , the fact that we had no more ice cubes at home , i mean there was but .... i kind of made syrup ice cubes and the whole ice cube tray was full of flavoured ice cubes hahaha then in the end out frozen meat , close enough .
I also realised how much i love my mom yesterday , seems shallow yes i know . But its just that , theres just so much friction between us nowadays like me being rebellious towards her and all but at the end of the day im just hurting her . When she was so worried and started crying yesterday , i also couldnt control my tears and i realised i really love her alot , and that even when no one is there for me , she will be . I love you mama ☺
So thats about it , i guess :-)
x , jyoti .
So she was like freaking out and so was i because i thought that if my swelling doesnt recede i cant perform for Arts Fiesta la fuck . So i cry bc sad .
Hahaha , the fact that we had no more ice cubes at home , i mean there was but .... i kind of made syrup ice cubes and the whole ice cube tray was full of flavoured ice cubes hahaha then in the end out frozen meat , close enough .
I also realised how much i love my mom yesterday , seems shallow yes i know . But its just that , theres just so much friction between us nowadays like me being rebellious towards her and all but at the end of the day im just hurting her . When she was so worried and started crying yesterday , i also couldnt control my tears and i realised i really love her alot , and that even when no one is there for me , she will be . I love you mama ☺
So thats about it , i guess :-)
x , jyoti .
Thursday, 4 April 2013
SYF ☺
Well hello there , its the 4th !! and approximately 6 hours ago , we stepped into the ACJC theater and gave our very best shot for our play . So it was amazing the whole thing was completely amazing , i swear to god ! Wow all our 6 months of effort felt like it all paid off . ☺
Altho , maybe twice or thrice i kinda screwed up , it was all okay at the end . After our performance and bump out , we all went out of the theater and people complimented me and it felt soooo good ^_^ Prolly because i was really scared and the worst part was that we went overtime by 30 secs , damnnnn . But all of them told us , it was worth the 5 marks (( they cut off 5 marks if you exceed 15 minutes , but before 16 minutes , after 16 10 marks will be deducted . ))
The thing i was realllllllyy glad about was the fact that the judges laughed at most of the punchlines , and even at the not-so-funny parts , they laughed :D
Mr leon yeo was like laughing his ass off , TROLOLOLOL . it was damn funny and THANK GOD Sai didn't over exaggerate his actions or else i would have just laughed my ass off , and Gang Xin's part too omfg , can we not hahhaha .
So overall , it was a really good day for me .
And after our syf , we went to Pasta Mania as a celebration !
& Yi xiang treated us Crepe's ♥.♥
Happy girl is who ? Obviously me duh /
I wanted to give an emotional and motivational speech but hais , it was so hard to even think of something to say so hahhahah FUCK IT .
TROLOLOL , so on the way back to school , I sat beside my dear best friend Hang Tuah trololololol .
So yea , i think back at all the memories made during the syf journey and how much it has impacted me , both negatively and positively . I realised that the only reason i live for , is for moments like these , espeicially when everybody told us how great we were , it really meant so much to me , i didnt want to break down infront of everyone but really it touched me . Yesterday i was really very tempted to self-harm again after something had happened , and honestly , the thing i told myself was ' You can self harm as much as you want after syf , till then just don't '
And now that syf is over , i feel as tho , all the pain has just been removed just like that , all the urge to cut was just gone and then i realised how small little things like these just make so much of an impact on you .
I remember i joined Drama club because of ' FAMILY ' , how they told us that in drama everyone is a family , and for the very first time , in my 3 years of being in drama , that was the first time i really felt that it was truly a family . Like how everyone there all had the same goal , to do well for our SYF and get a distinction .
i realised how the chances of this happening again for me is not really very high because it's my last syf . But really , i love all of them to bits , maybe i don't have individual likings , but as a whole , i definitely love The Deyi English Drama Club .
And now , with SYF over , we shall wait for our results and see where our effort has taken us .
SYF'13 was ... da bomb .
x , Jyoti (( Hang Jebat + Sha sha )) ☺
Altho , maybe twice or thrice i kinda screwed up , it was all okay at the end . After our performance and bump out , we all went out of the theater and people complimented me and it felt soooo good ^_^ Prolly because i was really scared and the worst part was that we went overtime by 30 secs , damnnnn . But all of them told us , it was worth the 5 marks (( they cut off 5 marks if you exceed 15 minutes , but before 16 minutes , after 16 10 marks will be deducted . ))
The thing i was realllllllyy glad about was the fact that the judges laughed at most of the punchlines , and even at the not-so-funny parts , they laughed :D
Mr leon yeo was like laughing his ass off , TROLOLOLOL . it was damn funny and THANK GOD Sai didn't over exaggerate his actions or else i would have just laughed my ass off , and Gang Xin's part too omfg , can we not hahhaha .
So overall , it was a really good day for me .
And after our syf , we went to Pasta Mania as a celebration !
& Yi xiang treated us Crepe's ♥.♥
Happy girl is who ? Obviously me duh /
I wanted to give an emotional and motivational speech but hais , it was so hard to even think of something to say so hahhahah FUCK IT .
TROLOLOL , so on the way back to school , I sat beside my dear best friend Hang Tuah trololololol .
So yea , i think back at all the memories made during the syf journey and how much it has impacted me , both negatively and positively . I realised that the only reason i live for , is for moments like these , espeicially when everybody told us how great we were , it really meant so much to me , i didnt want to break down infront of everyone but really it touched me . Yesterday i was really very tempted to self-harm again after something had happened , and honestly , the thing i told myself was ' You can self harm as much as you want after syf , till then just don't '
And now that syf is over , i feel as tho , all the pain has just been removed just like that , all the urge to cut was just gone and then i realised how small little things like these just make so much of an impact on you .
I remember i joined Drama club because of ' FAMILY ' , how they told us that in drama everyone is a family , and for the very first time , in my 3 years of being in drama , that was the first time i really felt that it was truly a family . Like how everyone there all had the same goal , to do well for our SYF and get a distinction .
i realised how the chances of this happening again for me is not really very high because it's my last syf . But really , i love all of them to bits , maybe i don't have individual likings , but as a whole , i definitely love The Deyi English Drama Club .
And now , with SYF over , we shall wait for our results and see where our effort has taken us .
SYF'13 was ... da bomb .
x , Jyoti (( Hang Jebat + Sha sha )) ☺
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