friends .. ?

hello bluuuuhg , so far , life's been too hectic to even bother ykno ? hahah
it's practically work or just lazing around at home , like i literally NEED a life but then again , i am glad the way it is , ( but yea rather pathetic huh )
the holidays are slowly coming to an end , and honest to god , i really don't want it to end bc of all the awesome memories i have made at the Orchid Country Club , the people there espeicially , work has been such a great experience with friends ..
but then again , it does suck with friends around , truth be told bc they can be all oh so annoying and PMS-sy , not saying I ain't like that but yea sometimes they get pissed for no apparent reason ???? and i'm just life uhm i could ATLEAST use an explanation ykno . but well that's girls for you , hahahahah

school is starting and heck , i ain't even prepared at ALL .
i really do not want to go back to that fucking hellhole , i hate that place ..
and to make matters worse , it's o level year next year , great ..
i am not prepared a single bit , i'm such a fuck up , oh god
but it isn't too late :-)

today's the 17th and i'm meeting 165 on the 19th !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so flacking excited , i miss them so much , every moment spent with them is one too fun ☺
and then on the 23rd , USS with the work mates , CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING OMG


till then , i guess it's work and what not yea ?
hahahahah , just a really short one so i'm ending this post here hahah bye
x , jyoti

life is a blur ..

hello people  who actually read my blog , and I do thank you for that , hahah .

anyways , as usual , life is just a mess and I can't really figure out my purpose and aims . 

these few days I'm always too occupied with either school or work that I hardly have time to think

and when I am finally free , like I am now , I think  , in fact I think way too much to the extent it's harmful .

these days I have been thinking of rather stupid things like , hmm say I have been considering the wrong people as friends and the one that are truly the friends I have actually been chucking aside . 

I call people best friend , but are they really ? are they really my best friends ? best friends meaning the best i can ever have , best best and nothing but the best ? if that is so , why doesn't it feel like it ? how come they don't love me and appreciate me as much as I do to them ...

it's so childish and immatured of me to think this way but hey I really needed a platform to express my inner thoughts which I couldn't tell anyone , ironically ..

anyways , there have been Highs in my life which god , it was probably the best thing god has ever done for me and I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT , LIKE REALLY I NEEDED THAT ..

There's Noah , and god , I think I actually may be in love with like him a lot , his words and all ..

how they keep me up at night , replaying the thoughts over and over and over till finally sleep consumes me wholly 

and then there is the M1 Fringe Festival 2014 where we would be presenting our SYF plays , I absoloutely CANNOT wait :-) 

What an honour and privilege .. really .

but ah well , SJI is gonna be there sobs , tHAT MEANS AARON HAN IS GONNA BE THERE TOO , LIKE DUUUUUDE CAN YOU FEEL THE PAIN / EMBARRASSMENT / IDEK 

let me just blend in with my shadow plz plz plz

but i'm just gonna act really cool and have that ' whatevrrrrr like who are you even ' attitude hehe 

okay it seems legit la k 

or maybe not but whatevrrrrr

the previous week i was pretty depressed and shit bc I had this really teensy weensy  crush on a guy from my work , Han Ping . But ... he's 22 .. and he's done with his National Service and all that crap , making him a man , you see .. so I didn't really want him to know bc we had an age gap of 7 years and besides it's not like it would ever happen whaaaaat ..

but whenever he was near , my cheeks would flush and my face would be all hot and crap , and I could actually feel butterflies in my stomach .

anyways , he asked for my friend's number and that actually made me cry like a dweeb during work , I FEEEEL SO RETARDED :-((

and just that week I had a breakdown during work for other reasons , and I cried for like ummm 2 hours ? fuck man . 

I was finally getting over that asking of number thing and then he decided to take her out on a date , ha ha ha and it would have been much better if my friend wasn't the ' hey look i really pity you and i will date him for your sake but since my other friends told me to go , i will oh and i will also constantly keep sending photos of us on our date in the whatsapp group and be totally oblivious of you and your feelings ' .. it would be MUCH better but she isn't so , sucks to be me .

So well that sucked but , i'm like heck totally over that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so screw you :-)

and I am totally head over heels with MDP's new album heheheh :-)

so that's all for this season of Keeping up with Jyoti , see you next week ;)

x , jyoti .

i'm sorry .

well so yea , this is like a totally spontaneous blogpost so it might sound awkward and lol , weird ?
So yea , these few days i've been behaving like REALLY anal in class , espeicially to some people in particular , i aint gonna say names but yea , i thought over about my behaviour and thought it as really unnecessary . but yea , i have my reasons too , because i was actually taken rlly aback when i heard some things , you see . but wey hey , decided to let go and stuff bc hating is bad for you . and it kind of creates a negative aura in your ownself . this blogpost is hopefully seen by those people , and if you're reading it , I'm really really really really sorry by my behaviour and hopefully you would be able to forgive me . Geez i am such a bitch... but yea , im really sorry / ☺

Events and what not

Hello , its been ages since i last blogged but i guess maybe because i'm a lazy bum and there wasn't a great deal happening in my life :-)
But anyways , like 4 days ago , on a Wednesday , i emcee-ed for the Nationa day celebrations and i was really excited about it because the only event i have ever emcee-ed for was the Graduation ceremony for the Sec 4s and 5s :-)
And thank god , everything went well , espeicially with Ian around , like he has a lot of experience in emcee-ing so thank god for him !! hallelujah (!!!)
So anyways , after the whole celebration and stuff , Ian Syafiqah and Ish and myself were heading out for like a mini gathering and something of that sort but before that , they had their Champions Tea as Ish was stepping down as president and Ian & Syafiqah were now taking over !:-)
So i waited backstage for them , HAHAHAH .
So after all that was done , we were at the mrt , and that was when * drumrolls * , i realised I LEFT MY WALLET IN MEHREEN'S BAG , hurray . 
So us depressed souls , whom were already tired and hungry waited outside the MRT while trying to contact Mehreen , but oh wait for the punchline ...... SHE DIDN'T HAVE A PHONE . fuck me right ? :-)
So convenient , RIGHT ? :-)
But thank god we had our means , and we managed to contact her anyways . So we met up at TPY and she handed me my wallet and stuff . PHEW .
So after that , we went to eat ( thank heavens )
We went to Yishun and we waited for Seoul Garden and just as we were making reservations , we found out we were 7th in line . 7TH /// BLOODY 7TH ///////
and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse , turns out the reservation before us made a reservation for 11 .... motherfucking 11 ... gorl , are you like bringing your whole damn village out to eat ?!
and we went to find other places to go and eat and we roamed around the mall and just when we thought things could get worse , SEOUL GARDEN CALLED , OMG YAY !!!!
So we quickly got there and yea , started eating and stuff . We were having so much fun , sharing jokes and laughing like a total psychopath , i swear to god the people beside us were like totally judging us . SPEAKING OF WHICH , THERE WAS THIS REALLY FUCKING CREEPY DUDE ACROSS ME AND HE WAS LIKE GIVING THOSE PEDO GRINS LIKE EW GTFO MAN
but thank heavens , they left early , but well , the next people to have come weren't any better , fucking snobby omg , sigh !!!
So yea , after much thinking on where to go , we decided to go to *drumrolls * DISCOVERY CENTRE YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYA , so we hopped on a taxi allllll the way to Jurong and hoho , it cost us like , 20 bucks ?
So , yea , fuck that .

the minute we entered the Discovery centre , i swear we were having the time of our lives and oh ,
' I swear in that moment , we were infinite '
We danced to some sensor shit , and our faces were on the screen and did live reporting and we even got to be in a ' battle ' HAHAHAHA

I love them so much i can cry ( ok maybe not but yea you get me )
So after that , we went to the Army museum and we went to the display of the vehicles and let me just tell you a depressing tale ,
I spent 10 minutes trying to climb the tank
RT if u cri everitiem

So yea , and we took crazy lots of photos and explored the place , it was really a day to remember ☺

And to end of the day , we took a cab back to Woodlands and had starbucks while looking at the photos and laughing our asses off , AND I HAD MY GREEN TEA FRAPPE VENTI HEHEHEHEHHEEHEH so thats how the day ended :-)

pain .

i have an obsession .
with pain .
the pleasure as the
razor slits my skin
is just so undeniably good
and it gives me
the feelings of being
invincible
that if i can endure pain
i can endure
everything .

☺

hello there . so , yes tomorrow is labour day and its a public day and i dont have any school so i just thought , why not update my blog when i have the time ? :-)
so yes , i have just had this thought pondering in my head for a pretty pretty long time and the thing is , i couldn't really tell anyone because im afraid if i do say face to face , they wouldn't , understand .
So , am i the only one who from time to time , wished i had .. cancer ? Yes , i know , seems absurd . But i don't know , maybe if i had cancer .. people would actually CARE about my existence and they would actually start noticing me , not in a bad way tho . Like the thing is , you get to know when you're dying , and right now , maybe just right now , i think that is really wonderful espeicially at the point of life when you just don't want to live anymore , ya feel me ? All the pain , all the sorrows , just lost instantly like that . I know , this probably sounds sadistic . But the thing about cancer that just sounded so appealing was the fact that , you actually become so skinny , and really thats all i ever wanted , i dont give a fuck if my bones are showing and protruding , so long as im not fat , so long as im near perfection . sorry . my self esteem desires can get really ..
Yupp , and i want people speaking at my funeral to prepare a funny eulogy so that when im up in heaven . id just go like ' those bastards ' hahahhaha



I HOPE YOU DONT THINK IM SADISTIC OR ANYTHING
x , jyoti . ☺

emotional mess .

hey :-)
so i guess , its been a while since i blogged . Been feeling rather shitty these days , mainly about MYSELF . Idky but haiz , why now , why this period of time when im facing and going through so much shit . I can't help but feel ugly 24/7 , oops typo , i AM ugly . & i seriously seriously dont like it when people compliment me , because i feel that they're lying , they only say it because they pity me , y'know ?
My self esteem (( which i dont even have )) just drops like wayyyy below (( making it a negative number )) when i see really gorgeous girls with the perfect body . Haiz . Sometimes i wonder , would my life be better if i actually could look good AND feel good ? I bet it would DEFINITELY be better . I hate myself so bad to the extent that i actually avoid mirrors because i know when i see myself looking horrible , my whole mood would go down . I guess thats about it . k hahahah this will be my last time ranting about myself , really , even i dont like it myself .
x , jyoti .